When all else fails...Squeeze the BABY!!!!

WWWAAAAAA!!!!! WWWWAAAAA!!!!!! WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
Man....you know how when you hear SOMEONE ELSE'S newborn cry, and you get all pouty and "Aww...Such a cute cry..."
IT AIN'T SO CUTE AFTER HEARING IT FOR 10+ HOURS!!!!!!! The high pitch "someone is killing me" screaming isn't cute when you have had to hear it for hours at a time all day...and your exhausted and sleep deprived. You have done all you know to calm the baby down and it's just not cutting it. I can honestly say I felt like a failure when I caved and called my husband and begged him to please come home. I couldn't handle it anymore. I was up since 4 in the morning with only 5 hours of sleep the day before and now only another 3 hours....Since 4 in the morning this kid cried and cried stopping only briefly to eat and if I was able to distract him for a few moments with toys, singing and swinging. I changed his diaper more times than I can count, put a little thermometer in his booty to help him poop (he didn't need to poop) took the boogers out of his nose, ignored him. When none of that worked, I spoke softly and bounced him up and down. And when that failed I sat on my couch, head in my hands and prayed to the Lord in heaven for peace or to at least help me figure out what was wrong with this baby. God has a sense of humor cuz that baby kept right on crying. So, I think "Hey! He likes baths!" So, I put nice warm water in his little tub and whip out the nice Mustella soap to calm him and into the tub he goes.
     Quiet. Peace. He kicks and splashes to his hearts content. I wash him and right as i am finishing him up...."WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAA!!!" YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! So, I take him out wrap him in his towel (quiet for about 2 minutes) and dress him amid screams and a tiny red face! I lay him down on my pillow and shush in his ear and he finally sleeps. I get a fitful sleep for 2 hours, nothing at all relaxing or refreshing since he wakes up every time the pacifier falls out. 2 Hours later, he wakes up and I can't take it anymore. He cries and I'm crying right along with him. What did he need? What more could I do? How much longer could I stand listening to my baby cry and feel completely helpless? Not much longer apparently. I called Lando. Asked to please come home. I couldn't take it anymore. I think he got home faster than when I said Landon was coming. He was home within an hour. He sent me off to bed and took over. I broke down. I got in bed and cried my eyes out, feeling like a failure. I mean, what mother can't calm he baby down? What mother didn't know what her baby needed?
     I fell asleep and slept for 4 hours. I slept long and deep. I woke up to more crying, but it was an "I'm hungry" cry. When I walked out of my room my house was CLEAN! I was beyond confused. The stacks of mail on the kitchen table were gone, the dishes all clean, the living room was spotless. I made a bottle and sat down to give to him. I was completely refreshed and ready to handle more crying. As I fed Landon I looked at my husband and asked "How did you get this house clean??" He says he walked around with the baby in his arms and cleaned...with ONE hand! Now THAT, my amigos, is talent! He put me and the baby to sleep and cleaned the house. I felt even worse. Not only couldn't I keep my baby happy but I couldn't keep my house clean. Fail fail FAIL. After Landon ate, he calmed down during American Idol and we had dinner. At night I read about swaddling being a good way to calm a crying baby because it reminds them of "home", the womb. I knew he liked swaddling because thats how he spent his days in the hospital; Nice and swaddled and warm. Nothing left to lose right? Ok, so let's squeeze the baby! Swaddling took 30 seconds (enough practice with the nurses in the NICU) and in another 30 seconds me and Lando were amazed! SILENCE!!! Landon was fully awake but he was actually quiet. I gave him his paci and at this point it was time to eat, so I fed him and off he went....He slept from 12-6am, nice and squeezed in his little cocoon. And today? I have my baby back.
     All thoughts of failure are gone. It's overwhelming at times and you give in to the bad thoughts. And it's OK. I felt like a bad mom for needing time AWAY from my precious baby, but, you know what? I'm not a bad mom. I'm a NEW mom. Caring for your own is a lot different than caring for other's kids. Those don't come home with you. But your own?? No exchanges or returns. All Sales Final. So, feeling like crap comes with the territory. And it's completely OK!!! I'm not a failure. I'm not a bad mom. I'm not an irresponsible wife. I'm not helpless. I'm not alone. I am learning, is all. Something new and unpredictable as a new baby will bring you down sometimes. Just remember to get back up again. And don't beat yourself up over it. As I was giving Landon his last bottle, I got the most amazing gift EVER. He looked at me and gave me the biggest smile he could. And that was all worth it.
Learn How To Swaddle Your Baby: Swaddling Your Baby 

Finally...Our Birth Story

So, 2 weeks later, I have finally recouped enough to sit and write our birth story. I say our because it wasn't just me delivering a baby. I was amazed at all the support from friends and family and how much emotion was vested into my pregnancy and delivery. Since 4:30 p.m. on Tuesday, March 1, 2011, I was so moved and in awe of how many people already loved my baby even before he arrived. From the first (and only) Facebook post about being on our way to the hospital, the responses were so many! I decided to keep my delivery private and not post every detail on Facebook because that's just how I am. I am a private person and I wanted those first moments to be shared with only my closest friends and family. Also, I wasn't in that delivery room by myself.
     Since Saturday, I was practically peeing myself everywhere I went. A little embarrassing, I know, but this is a birth story so don't expect glamor. Birth is a miracle but it's anything BUT glamorous. Since the baby had dropped I thought I was just peeing myself from the increased pressure of the baby's head on my bladder, which is completely normal. So, I spent the whole weekend peeing myself. When I got up from the couch, pee...when I walked too long...pee. When I was standing...pee....There was pee all day, all the time....But not enough for me to think anything abnormal was going on. And I was NOT calling my Doctor so he can send me to the hospital and then send me home cuz I was peeing myself! Not after being the retard in L&D on New Year's Day for thinking I was "leaking". So, Sunday...still peeing...I woke up and had a text from Tania "I have a feeling Landon will be born on Tuesday" yeh right..."Lol I have a doctor's appoint that day"....Her response? "I predict you will have to go to the hospital after your doctor's appointment. You're going to get there and he is going to send you straight to the hospital"...ok whatever. Monday still peeing...Monday night I went to prayer at church and I was feeling so uncomfortable and so done being pregnant. I was sitting there and I prayed. I asked God to please allow me to deliver my baby the next day. Please. So, on the way home I told Lando I was peeing myself kind of a lot. He asked if I wanted to call the doctor and i said no cuz he would just send me to the hospital and I didn't want to get there and be told I was just peeing myself. And I had an appointment the next day at 1pm. So, i get home and dialed my doctor's answering service...And hung up......
     Tuesday at 11pm I got ready to take a shower and then I felt/saw it. Liquid ran down my leg looking all cloudy and not like pee. Hmmm....took a shower and headed to the doctor. The day was beautiful!! Had my window rolled down and was blasting some Bon Jovi and just feeling so amazing! I sang "Half Way There" at the top of my lungs to  my baby and teared up cuz somewhere deep down I knew something was happening...I got to the doctor and told the nurse I was peeing myself and she told me she would have the doctor check. I told him i was peeing myself since Saturday and explained why I hadn't called and his look was not what I wanted to see. So, he checked and the little yellow strip turned blue...Blue means you're not peeing yourself...I was leaking amniotic fluid. I had been leaking for 3 days. He checked with ultra sound and his fluid was low. After 24 hours of your water breaking, the baby can get exposed to bacteria and get an infection. So, just like Tania said, I was sent to the hospital. Landon was coming! I went home got our bags and Lando drove us there. We got to the hospital at 4:30pm on Tuesday March 1.

     Since I wasn't contracting I had to be induced. At 7pm they started my pitocin. Pitocin is the devil. My mom got there around 5. My nurse was so funny. Kept talking to us and making me laugh. Then at 7:30pm the nurses changed shifts and I was sent an angel from heaven, Kim.So, at 8pm i was feeling the contractions but they weren't that bad. We watched American Idol and I watched until about 9pm....It was a 2-hour show. Again, Pitocin is the DEVIL!!! Every 3 minutes i had knives stabbing me in the back. Not my stomach. Not my uterus. My BACK! Back labor mostly only happens when baby is posterior (head down but facing up. A NIGHTMARE for the mother pushing.) But, again I said nothing about the back labor. I just asked for my Epidural. God made Epidurals! At 9:30 pm I caved. 9:45pm I experienced the worst pain of my life. I cried my eyes out getting that darn Epi. Sweet baby JESUS! After it was in, I felt a cold tingling up my spine and 20 minutes later, sweet relief. By then, American Idol was over and we were watching "One Born Every Minute". It was a repeat and it was our favorite episode with an old lady that looked like Yoda. I slept a bit and pushed that Epi button everytime it started to where off. Now, my story gets not-so-nice. At 3am,  Landon's heartbeat monitor started beeping. Instead of the healthy 146 bpm, I looked up to my right and read 30bpm and then nothing. Kim walked in moved my monitor and found it...Baby just moved. Yep normal Landon behavior. His active time in the belly was from 3am to about 4:30 am. I woke up and asked what time it was. 3 am. "Yeh, it's his active time. He moves around a lot now." I went back to sleep. And a little while later, the beeping...the nurse...monitor moved...nursed rolled me around on my side then other side then on my back...heartbeat found. By the 4th time i had an oxygen mask "Helps get more oxygen to the baby. Don't worry!!" Um....ok....5th time...I was pumped with liquid since his fluid was low and the pitcin was stopped. The baby was in distress. But 12 hours later, I was only 6 cm dilated and not progressing fast enough. 6th time...too many doctors in the room...Too many worried faces and Kim couldn't hide it anymore. As the resident shoved her hand inside me and grabbed my baby's head and shook him like nothing, I realized I needed my baby out! Those stupid doctors needed to stop touching me and rolling me and shaking my baby and just get him out. Lando was taken out and sent to change and I told Kim "Please, just get him out, please. I need him out now" At this point I was holding in my tears. They laid down my bed and as I lay flat and see my mom leaving with my stuff and Lando coming into the room in scrubs, I cried. I cried for my baby. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed. His heartbeat was "unreassuring". I was rolled into the O.R and they topped up my epi. I was awake but felt nothing. I met doctor Anne David and was told to hang on 5 minutes and he would be out. 4 minutes later Lando walks in and I look at his face. PRICELESS! I asked if I was cut open. LOL All he did was nod. He had seen me cut open, bleeding and with my intestines all out. And I cried still. Then "Ok here he is!" And all i thought was "Please cry, baby, please cry.." Those were the longest 5 seconds of my life. And then I heard it. The best sound in the whole world. My baby cried. I cried even more. Lando cried even More. They held him over my curtain but all i saw was little purple feet since I was crying so much. And I cried and cried. And I was happy. They cleaned him up, gave him to Lando all bundled and he came to me. Lando held him to my face and I saw the most beautiful little face look at me as he recognized my voice. He was quiet and so alert and awake. I saw him for all of 5 minutes and he was taken away. Little did I know I wouldn't be able to hold my baby until tomorrow. It was 5:35am when Landon Alexander Brasil was born.
     I was closed up nicely with some Krazy Glue for your skin and taken to recovery for 2 hours. Baby was in the nursery with daddy getting cleaned up!! I slept during recovery and was just so happy and felt so elated! At 8 am i was rolled into my room. Room 3708. I get to my room and no baby. The neonatologist comes in and says Landon was having respitory problems and he needed to be checked out. He was taken to the NICU for a blood test just to make sure he wasn't exposed to bacteria since I waited 3 days to go to the hospital. Ok, fine. I was on bed rest for 12 hours. Ok, cool. Visitors came and went and Lando was amazing. Taking everyone, one by one, back forth from the NICU to our room. And everyone came back after seeing my baby. "He is so cute!!", "He is amazing!" "OMG! SOFIA!! HE IS BEAUTIFUL!" Yeh....I still hadn't seen him....I didn't want pictures or videos, I wanted my baby. Finally at 6 I pused the nurse button and asked to see my baby. 12 hours were over and I desperatley needed to see my baby. I cried on that little nurse intercome thing. Judy comes in and says I can't him for at least another 4 hours. I flipped. I cried, I begged. I just wanted to see my baby. I NEEDED to see my baby. And that's when i ended visiting hours. I kicked everyone out. No one else would see my baby until I saw him. I cried and slept. At 10pm i get another nuse telling me i cant go see him yet because i still have the catheter and i need to finish my antibiotics. More crying and now im pissed. She leaves and comes back at 12. She was left a note by Judy, my previous nurse, that i needed to see my baby ASAP! SO, she takes the catheter out and i am told i need to pee before i leave the room. She and Lando helped me out of the bed and i am able to get to the bathroom. Yes, I walked. It took me almost 15 minutes to do what only a day before i would do every 30 minutes! It took me 15 minutes to pee. I sat on that toilet and willed myself to pee. After all, I needed to see my baby. And I did. I peed for about 3 minutes straight. And I walked to my wheelchair at 1am on Thursday to see my baby. I saw him and held him and smelled him. And cried. He really was as beautiful as everyone had said. He was amazing!
     Landon did have an infection. He needed to be on antibiotics for a couple days. Thankfully, it was nothing. We left on Sunday night and we picked him up on Tuesday at 6:30pm. He was perfect. Completely healthy. And he was all ours to hold without IV's without monitors without peeping!! All ours. Driving home Tuesday night was such a relief. I looked over and finally say my car seat with a baby init. My baby. Our baby.
     I could not have gotten through that week without my husband. Letting me cry when I needed to and telling me to be strong and suck it up when I needed it. He is my rock. My best friend. He went above and beyond the whole week for me and Landon. He learned to feed him and burp him and even taught me! He was and continues to be amazing. An amazing husband and now an amazing father.
***I know this is long. The details are mostly for me though. I never want to forget the details of that week**

Uno, Dos, Tres!!

I love the friends I have!!! They truly allow me to be me and they accept me for who I am. My best friend of all is my husband. No! Seriously! More than my husband he is my friend. I can tell him anything and I can always expect honesty. He makes me laugh for no reason and tells me stories and jokes. He tells me secrets and thoughts and he let's me be me without making me feel stupid. I thank God everyday for the wonderful person He has placed by my side.

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How Fast Things Change!

Sticking to my ultimate theme of First Time Momma on this blog today I wanna dedicate a post to FTM, Tania Costeira. Caleb spent the last 2 days in the hospital for a nasty Croup Cough and Congestion. Wednesday we had dinner at Tania's and Caleb was sick...but it's amazing at HOW FAST he got worse. When a child can't speak and express where it hurts or what he is feeling you feel so helpless. You don't know what to do because you don't know what's wrong. All you can do is go with your gut. Thursday morning Caleb went to the ER and there he was admitted. Thank God he is better now and he is home. It just made me realize how unexpected life is. One moment everyone is healthy and happy and the next someone gets sick or something happens that is completely out of left field and throws your world for a loop. We really need to rely on God everyday.

39 Weeks...365 Updates Starting now!

So, doctor appointments are every Tuesday at 1pm. Since 36weeks5days weeks they have been weekly and at first very exciting! Now....not so much....At 36/5 weeks, I was a fingertip dilated and baby was a little dropped! Good for 36/5!! There was talk of Landon coming early!! I started nesting and I was cramping like no one's business!!! I was sitting on the couch one afternoon and as I got up from the couch my tummy got so tight and so cramped that I actually CRIED! I couldn't breathe, couldn't stand, couldn't walk! I was in such excruciating pain!! Doctor said it was a really bad muscle cramp...And that's when things slowed down. At my next appointment, 37 weeks 5 days, I was a full one centimeter dilated and doctor said baby had dropped even more. Exciting, right!??!!! Until, my last appointment....38weeks 5 days and Landon has not budged!!! 80% Effaced 1 centimeter dilated and Landon fluctuates from -3 to -2 station....So, he floats up and down. Greaaaaaaaaattt..........Now, we talk inductions and C-Sections just cause first babies tend to come either on time or later....I know I know. I have another week and a half to go! He has plenty of time! But, it's a hard thing to wait for!!
     Im tired, cranky, anxious, sleepy!! I don't fall asleep easily. Mind you, it's 1 in the morning and I'm updating my blog. Tired, yes, but if I lay down I can't breathe and I toss and turn. Lando wakes up with every move to make sure I'm ok, so if I don't sleep, he doesn't sleep. I guess i was just really hoping to avoid this whole "uncomfortable, 9-months-in-one" stage. But, who do I think I am?? I couldn't possibly be THAT lucky!! So, now we wait. He'll comes when he comes and that's that!!

Staying Home is not Relaxing

So, I'm finally on leave! Sleeping late, relaxing, getting my nails done, just chilling until baby arrives....YEH RIGHT!!! Since last Wednesday, I have had a persistent throat infection and Laryngitis. So, Wednesday was spent inside due to the snow and me being sickies...Thursday i slept ALL DAY! Until 3pm! But, Friday until now has been spent doing laundry and getting things ready for the Little One. I thought he should at least had a clean bed and clean clothes when he arrives. But, it's been beyond just washing a couple onesires and blankets! I have set up his basisnet, finished buying and exchanging everything I needed for baby and almost setting done setting up his corner-nursery. Exhausting? Very! Rewarding? Definately! Lando thinks I'm insane because I have this need to get everthing built and set up! But, I can't help it! I just feel so unprepared! I guess I'm just compensating for my feeling of emotional unpreparedness and trying to get the physical things ready. And , I might get yelled at but today was scrub-the bathroom-floor day! Ugh! I swear it was a filthy mess! My Swiffer Mop just wasn't cutting it! I NEED TO SMELL THE CLEAN!! So, I opened the windows and bleached the whole bathroom!! I sprayed it all!! Now, I have to do it in shifts. So, first I sprayed everything with Tilex. Let it sit a while and went back and scrubbed the floor. Now, I'm resting and will return to wash the bathtub, toilet, sink and mirrors. MMMMMM..........THEN I SPRAY THE LYSOL!!! YAY LYSOL!!!! And the bathroom will be officially clean!!
     But, whatever happened to me relaxing at home?? I guess when everything is done I'll relax! Right now I just need to get this pent up energy out!

baby has a bed!!!!

Landon officially has his bassinet!!!! Let the nesting period begin!!

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